Random Humourous Observations and Jokes
A few political jokes I have been saving up but never found an excuse to use anywhere. Easily offended people beware.
- The definition of a politician is a person who faces the exact same trivial consequences when they commit a war crime or rape someone, as they do when they accidentally fart on camera.
- Smith & Wesson unveiled a miraculous new vaccine Thursday. One shot injected directly into the temple has a near-100% success rate at preventing a person from contracting COVID or any other disease ever again! Booster shots are available for any
survivors under-medicated individuals.
- What's the difference between Joe Biden and a typical Joe Biden voter? Biden only has one foot in the grave
- I'm convinced that anyone that still has a "Biden 2020" sticker on their car is either a masochist or perpetually drugged up. If nothing else, the gas price increases have made it the vehicular equivalent of a "kick me" note on someone's back. "If you all want an easily accessible scapegoat for why you had to sell your kidney to refuel your car this morning, use me!"
Humans are easily the most ludicrous looking animal on the planet. Take a moment to imagine any furry/hairy mammal, but modified such that their hair grows in about the same ways that ours does. Imagine a nearly furless cat that has an unceasing mane of fur growing from the top of their head (and their chin if they're male) and try to keep a straight face.
I could never understand the meaning of the phrase "got up on the wrong side of the bed". I know that I take things too literally due to being autistic, but this phrase simply does not make sense on
any level. What kind of person goes through the day in an irate mood because of what side of the bed they got up on? Was this some sort of important morning ritual at some point? Why can't they just hit the snooze button, lie back down, sleep for 5 minutes, and then get up on the correct side of the bed?
The only way I can rationalise this is if a person sleeps on a couch/futon or if one side of their bed is perhaps up against a wall. I admit I wouldn't want to get on the bad side of someone who accidentally takes out an entire wall while sleepily lumbering out of bed in the morning.
I am resisting looking up the origin of this phrase because I really want to believe that something resembling the following conversation actually happened at one point:
Lanky Lumberjack: Why are you so grumpy today?
Burly Lumberjack: I got up on the wrong side of the bed.
Lanky Lumberjack: ...And?
Burly Lumberjack: And
now I have to spend hours replacing a wall after I'm done here!
I was discussing with a friend of mine the phenomenon of nightmares about missing or failing college classes, usually Mathematics related, seems to be something that never ceases to go away, even well into adulthood. It then occurred to me, given the pervasiveness of these kinds of fears, how often are there cases of elderly people with late-stage Alzheimer's suddenly freaking out that they're late for their mathematics class?
Many people apparently believe that their deceased loved ones/friends can watch them from Heaven, and possibly even perform interventions for them. I sometimes get very curious about how the mechanics of such things work, if this is in fact true. For instance, how often do the deceased accidentally look into their "crystal balls" while the person they love is having sex or masturbating? Do people with such beliefs ever stop while in the shower and begin fretting that their creepy dead Uncle Howie is peeping on them from the great beyond? Do they ever worry that their dead parents are judging their eating habits when they look down and see them pooping for the 7th time that day?
It always seemed ironic to me that treating someone in a humane manner is defined as being kind and compassionate towards them, even though humans are the only living beings on the planet who engage in torture, slavery, genocide, and many other atrocities, and are of the
minority of mammal species that murder their own kind. That is not covering the wanton animal genocide and environmental destruction that humans are engaging in all over the planet. The prospect of being treated in a "humane" way sounds positively nightmarish.
Bureaucracy is the dim-witted sibling of organised religion. Both of them involve blindly believing and following often illogical directives based simply on the fact that someone once wrote them on a piece of paper. The main difference is that religious people can at least be forgiven due to believing their orders came from God, while bureaucrats demonstrate that same blind obedience towards commandments put forth by some clueless, nameless ignoramus in a corporate or government office.
It mortifies me to see people facing years or decades in prison simply for storming the U.S. Congress. I never thought I would live to see dumpster diving become a felony.
Vampires are known for performing a rather intimate act on a person's neck, which kills them and then raises them from the dead. I sometimes wonder if this has anything to do with why the word "necromancer" is pronounced "neck-romancer."
